Madness
by Ender2
Summary: A crazy fic about the XMen and their adventures, including the search for Bob the Braincell and Lilandra. The title says it all.
1. Chapter 1

Madness

Madness

By Ender Official Disclaimer: The X-Men belong to Marvel, at least to my knowledge, which I wouldn't trust very much.I don't own any of the characters except for Evil Bob the Braincell, who is my unique creation spawned from my not quite sane mind.The characters are being used without permission.Also, for your information, I'm not making any money off of this.Wah.

_The scene: The jet known as the Blackbird is carrying the group commonly called the X-Men.It slowly descends, ready to rest on the landing pad.Suddenly, it plummets to the ground from 10 feet up.Various curses in Cajun and English are heard coming from the cockpit._

_ _

CYCLOPS: Oops.Sorry.

_A yelp comes from the pilot when he is simultaneously hit with fists, hail, exploding playing cards, claws, and a bolt of lightning.The X-Men start to exit the ship while grumbling about the landing and their idiot leader.The only sane members of the X-Men, ROGUE and GAMBIT, run into the mansion, trying to get away from their messed up teammates. _

_ _

ICEMAN: So Stormy, do you want to go have dinner with me?I did save your life… (Winks)

STORM: In your dreams, and my nightmares.And_ if you call me that name one more time I'll roast you for dinner._

ICEMAN:What? (Whining) Why won't anyone go out with me?(Starts to cry)Is something wrong with me?Even STORMY won't…

_He is cut off as STORM turns red, gives a Xena yell, and charges after him prepared to attack him with any weather hazard she can manage.Iceman screams and runs onto the Blackbird to hide.He locks himself into a closet and curls up in a ball._

WOLVERINE: So, Chuck, what do we do now?

PROF X: I need you to refuel the Blackbird.Scott, you and JEAN can go clean up.Oh yes, Logan, don't forget to put out your cigar before you get close to the fuel.I don't need another incident like last time.

WOLVERINE: (Under his breath) Shove it, bub. 

He stalks away toward the Blackbird as CYCLOPS and JEAN start towards the mansion.They go up to their room.

CYCLOPS:Do you hear something?

JEAN:Yes.I think it's coming from the closet.(Pulls door the open as many pieces of junk fall from the top shelf)CABLE!!!I thought I told you never to do this again!!!!!

CABLE sits on the closet floor, sucking his thumb and holding a security blanket.

CABLE: (Trembling) But Momma, the gray blob under the bed scared me again.

JEAN: How many times do I have to tell you, that's DUST!Now get back to your room!

CABLE: But I'm scared.

JEAN: Fine!

She slams the door shut and finally notices her husband lying on the floor.He has been hit on the head by an old shovel that is on the floor next to him.JEAN tries to wake him up.

_ _

JEAN: Are you all right, honey?

CYCLOPS: Yeah.What hit me?

JEAN:It was that shovel.

CYCLOPS:A thovel?

JEAN: What?!?

CYCLOPS:I thaid, a thovel.(He suddenly realizes his lisp) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I finally got rid of thith when I wath 14!It can't be back!

JEAN: It's ok, you can hardly notice it.(Turns around and snickers)Let's go outside.

They walk outside while a pissed off STORM is flying in circles above the Blackbird, waiting for the doomed ICEMAN to come out of the ship.All of a sudden the jet blows up in a massive fireball.

WOLVERINE:Oops.

PROF X: Oh no, not again.

He hovers out of his office in his hover chair, leaving his girlfriend, LILANDRA, standing in the room in his favorite bikini.When he reaches the Blackbird he sees WOLVERINE standing in the middle of the wreckage holding the gas pump.ICEMAN stumbles to the charred ramp of the jet, then falls and rolls down it, burnt to a crisp.STORM smiles and flies away as BEAST walks over the wreck.

BEAST: Oh my stars and garters!

PROF X hovers over to WOLVERINE.

PROF X: Nice job.This is the fourth time in two months.Now we have to buy yet ANOTHER jet!

WOLVERINE: (Growling) Mention that again and you're losing another one.(Extends claws)

CYCLOPS and JEAN run up to them, along with ROGUE and GAMBIT.

JEAN: What happened?!?

PROF X:Logan managed to trash the jet again.

CYCLOPS:Thee?Thith ith what I'm talking about.He is so dangerouth… What?

PROF X, JEAN, ROGUE, GAMBIT, and WOLVERINE start laughing hysterically.

CYCLOPS: It'th not funny, you guyth.Thut up!

GAMBIT: Dat's got ta be da funniest thing I ever 'eard.

CYCLOPS: Look who'th talking.You talk wor..worth…arg!.. more bad than thith!

GAMBIT: (In a pure British accent) I can speak in a proper manner anytime I choose to do so.I do believe that this is a great deal better than you at the present moment. (He grins)

All of the people around him freeze with a look of complete disbelief on their faces.CYCLOPS' jaw drops.

CYCLOPS:Holy thit!

GAMBIT: Ya never gon hear that again, non?

GAMBIT and ROGUE laugh, get onto his motorcycle and drive off towards the city, glad to escape the insane X-Men.They decide to go to a movie.After arguing for 40 minutes, they decide on "Little Nicky".To GAMBIT and ROGUE'S horror, CYCLOPS, JEAN, and CABLE come to it too and sit next to them.

GAMBIT: (whispering) Kill me now.

ROGUE: Me first, sugah.

The lights dim and the movie starts.Halfway through it, a dog from Hell starts to sing.

CABLE: MOMMY!!!

He jumps onto ROGUE'S lap.GAMBIT'S eyes start to glow demonically as the bucket of popcorn CABLE is holding blows up with kinetic energy.

CABLE, ROGUE, CYCLOPS, and JEAN: AHHHHHHHH!

CABLE passes out and falls with a thunk on the floor as GAMBIT smiles.They continue to watch the movie a if nothing happened. As the movie is about to end, a woman with blond hair pops up in front of GAMBIT.It's his ex-wife BELLADONNA that is supposed to be dead.GAMBIT turns deathly pale as CABLE wakes up and looks at her with terror.

CABLE: (whispering) I see dead people. (Passes out again)

GAMBIT: BE…BELL, what are ya doin 'ere? (cowers in fear)

BELLADONNA: I came ta take ya by home.

ROGUE: NO!

She punches BELLADONNA, who flies through the movie screen.GAMBIT breathes a sigh of relief and walks down to the hole to look for his ex-wife.

GAMBIT: Won't have ta worry 'bout her no more!

He shrugs it off and leaves with ROGUE.They start to talk about why all the weird stuff happens to them.CYCLOPS, JEAN, and CABLE remain.

CYCLOPS: What the heck happened here?

JEAN: I have no clue.

CYCLOPS: (looking surprised)Hey I think it ended.

JEAN: What, the movie?

CYCLOPS: No, the… (Points to his mouth)

JEAN: Really? That's great!Say something.

CYCLOPS: What thould I thay…noooooo! (starts to pout)Thith thuckth.

Both disappointed, CYCLOPS and JEAN exit the theater, trying futilely to drag their son to their car.The next morning the X-Men are called down to the meeting room to discuss their next mission.

GAMBIT:What do ya t'ink the mission is gon be this time?

ROGUE:I don't know, sugah, but I hope it's short.

WOLVERINE: I don't care, as long as pretty-boy doesn't fly the jet.

CYCLOPS:At leastht I didn't blow it up four timeth.

WOLVERINE:Ooooo, nice comeback.Or should I say nithe comeback?

CYCLOPS:Hey!You better thut up or-

WOLVERINE: Or what?You'll talk me to death?(Everyone starts to laugh)

Bring it on.(Extends his claws)

CYCLOPS: You know, I think I have to do thomething… (starts to back out the door and runs into PROF X)

PROF X: Where are you going, Scott?I'm about to announce our new mission.As soon as the new jet is ready, (glares at WOLVERINE), we will be going to Nevada to infiltrate a research laboratory to find very important top-secret information.It's right by a waste processing plant, so I suggest you bring nose plugs.

WOLVERINE: Damn!

PROF X: You will be split up into teams of two.The teams are: GAMBIT and ROGUE.

ROGUE: Sounds good to me, sugah.

GAMBIT:Same 'ere.

PROF X: STORM and ICEMAN.

ICEMAN: Oh no, oh no, no, no, no, NO! (Hides under table as STORM gives him the evil eye)

PROF X: WOLVERINE and CYCLOPS.

CYCLOPS: (Nervously) You're kidding, right?

WOLVERINE: Have you heard of cruel and unusual punishment?!?

PROF X: (Looks at burnt wreckage of the Blackbird 4 and back toWOLVERINE)Exactly. JEAN and BEAST will stay home to watch the mansion.We'll leave in approximately 5 hours.

The team disbands after PROF X leaves the room.They start to pack their travel gear, getting ready for the trip.Around 6 hours later, 1 hour having been spent trying to drag ICEMAN out of the mansion, they leave.When they arrive, they sneak towards the lab, as the air smells like raw sewage.

STORM: I have never smelt air this foul.

WOLVERINE: Ack…cough…choke…

PROF X: Oh dear, my X-Men, I've made a mistake.The lab is inside the waste-processing plant.

WOLVERINE:NOOOOOOO!!! (Turns around and tries to get away)

GAMBIT: Dere is no way you gettin' me ta go in dere!

ROGUE: Ah don't think so!

PROF X:I'll give you a month's vacation away from the mansion.

GAMBIT: Make it two and we'll do it.

PROF X: Fine.STORM, go bring WOLVERINE back.

The X-Men, after catching the sick WOLVERINE, go into the plant.All of them nearly pass out as the stench becomes even worse.They split up into their teams, and try to find the information they need.After an hour of looking they meet in the center of the plant.

PROF X: Did anyone find anything?

WOLVERINE: We didn't find jack shit.Oh, I guess we did, but you know what I mean.

ICEMAN: Hey, what's that big safe over there, with the 20 armed guards around it?

GAMBIT: Just a little obvious, don't ya t'ink?

PROF X: Just go with it.

The X-Men approach the guards who, as in all action things, attack the X-Men one at a time, and wait their turn to fight.Soon they are all unconscious on the floor.PROF X opens the safe and takes out a lone piece of paper.

CYCLOPS: What ith it? (He takes the paper)WHAT! We risked our lives, put up with this smell, and fought like crazy, just to learn what your girlfriend Lilandra's long distance phone number is?!?Why didn't you just ASK HER!!!

PROF X: Wow that's a good idea.Too bad we already came. Anyway, let's go home.

WOLVERINE: (muttering) So much for the smartest brain on the planet.

The angry X-Men trudge back to the Blackbird.

WOLVERINE: (glad to get away from the smell) Well that was a royal waste.

CYCLOPS: True.But at least we were thucthethful.

WOLVERINE: What?

CYCLOPS: Thucthethful, you know, like if… (sighs) Never mind.

WOLVERINE: Dick.(turns around) Hurry it up, Cajun!

GAMBIT: (Giving him the finger) Bec mon chu. (turns back to ROGUE)

WOLVERINE: You want a piece of me? (his claws pop out and he walks toward GAMBIT)

GAMBIT: Why not!

CYCLOPS: Come on guyth, we're all friendth, right?

WOLVERINE: (looks at GAMBIT) You want to? (GAMBIT nods)

CYCLOPS screams as they grin evilly and begin to chase him.The ground explodes underneath his feet as he runs toward the jet.

PROF X: Everybody get on the jet.

GAMBIT and WOLVERINE board the ship after CYCLOPS runs on.They both look disappointed.That night they return home from the mission.

PROF X: Come my X-Men, we must see if the number works.

He goes over to the phone and dials the number, as the X-Men encircle him.Suddenly he grimaces.

ICEMAN: What?!?

PROF X: It says it's out of order.

The X-Men try to chase him around the mansion, but his hover-chair is too fast.They stop when they see a note from Lilandra of the fridge.PROF X reads it.

PROF X: NOOOOOO!

CYCLOPS: What ith it, profethor?Ith thomething wrong?

PROF X:Lilandra's gone off with Evil Bob!

ICEMAN: AKA the Brain Cell, right?

GAMBIT: Oh no, not again. (shakes his head)

PROF X: We must go look for her.GAMBIT, ROGUE, your vacation time has been revoked.

GAMBIT and ROGUE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GAMBIT throws a whole deck of charged cards at PROF X.The chair goes down in flames.

PROF X: YOU BROKE MY MASSAGE CHAIR!

CYCLOPS: Oh, now he'th in for it.The mathage chair ith more valuable to the profethor than Lilandra.

WOLVERINE: Would you please just STOP TALKING! You're spitting everywhere.

CYCLOPS: Thcrew you, ath.

WOLVERINE: Can't even say that right.Yuck.

WOLVERINE leaves the room, and the other X-Men follow.The next day they leave for Lilandra's spaceship.While they're flying…

ICEMAN: Uh, professor?I need to go to the bathroom really bad.

Okay, so after a potty break they leave for space.

CYCLOPS: I think you thould know that there ith a wathroom on thith vethel.

PROF X: I have no idea what you just said.Oh my, there's a washroom on the jet!

CYCLOPS: That'th what I jutht thaid!

PROF X: What?

CYCLOPS storms away as CABLE approaches JEAN.

CABLE: Mommy…I need to go to the bathwoom.

JEAN: Didn't I tell you…(sighs) There's one over there.

CABLE runs into it.Two minutes later they hear a flush and a thunk.Everyone runs to the door and they open it, finding CABLE stuck halfway down the toilet.

JEAN:My God! CYCLOPS, land the jet!

CYCLOPS: Why?

JEAN: JUST DO IT!!!!! (ship shakes)

CYCLOPS: (trembling) Yeth, dear.

He lands the jet and PROF X calls a professional crane company to get CABLE out.Then he calls the well-known number of the jet makers and orders yet another Blackbird.The crane people come and have to rip the roof off of the jet and, three hours and six cranes later, they get CABLE out.

PROF X: (tear runs down cheek) My precious jet…for the **5th time.**

WOLVERINE: Damn, this broke my streak.

They wait around for a week while the new jet is built.PROF X becomes ecstatic when his massage/hover chair is repaired.When the Blackbird 6 is ready they start off for the 3rd time towards Lilandra's ship.When they get there they see a sign on the door.It reads: "Will be back in 10 days".

GAMBIT: Dere's no way I'm goin' ta stay 'ere for 10 days.

PROF X: Neither am I.

CYCLOPS: (hopefully) Doeth thith mean we get to fly back to the thchool?

PROF X: No. We're going after her.

CYCLOPS, GAMBIT, ROGUE, JEAN, CABLE, ICEMAN, AND STORM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

PROF X: Let us go. NOW.(They blast off)Oh yes the bathroom isn't working.

ICEMAN walks up.

ICEMAN: Uh, professor…

END PART 1


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

Official Disclaimer:As I said in part one, all of the characters in this story and X-Men affiliated stuff belong to Marvel except for Evil Bob. The characters are being used without permission and I'm not making any money off of this, yada, yada, yada. Madhouse-Part 2

By Ender

After PROF X had finished yelling at ICEMAN, they turned around and went back to LILANDRA'S ship.CYCLOPS docked the ship and managed to bash in one side of the Blackbird 6.The same as the week before, every one of the X-Men beats him up.He stumbles down the ramp onto the ship as ICEMAN runs past him at a breakneck speed while whimpering.

_ _

CYCLOPS: Thith really thmartth you guyth.Why did you have to-

A whole pack of playing cards hits him dead center on the forehead with a WACHOOM.GAMBIT walks out looking smug and grinning with ROGUE following close behind.She and the other X-Men are laughing and thanking the Cajun for a job well done.GAMBIT walks over to the passed-out CYCLOPS.

_ _

GAMBIT: Douge.

WOLVERINE: I gotta hand it to you Cajun, that was pretty good. (he walks over to CYCLOPS on the ground and kicks him)I've been wantin' to do that for a long time.

They all walk away, leaving CYCLOPS lying on the deck.They start to explore the ship in groups.ROGUE, GAMBIT, and WOLVERINE walk past the prison area.They suddenly see two people standing in one of the cells.They rush over and peer into the cell.

_ _

ROGUE: NIGHTCRAWLER?!?

GAMBIT: JAKE?!?

NIGHTCRAWLER:WHERE WERE YOU?! We've been here for 2 months.They treat us really bad, leave us here, and you never came!

WOLVERINE: We didn't even notice you were gone.

NIGHTCRAWLER: Thanks. (looks pissed off)Nobody likes me.Even the pretty woman doesn't dig the fuzzy dude.(starts to look sad)

GAMBIT: That's 'cause she's a man, mon ami.

WOLVERINE, NIGHTCRAWLER, and ROGUE: WHAT?!?!?!?!?

JAKE: Hey, shut up!

GAMBIT: He's a shape-shifter stuck in that nice body.

JAKE: You are the sickest man alive.I mean you even kissed me that one time-

ROGUE: What? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

GAMBIT: What? Wait a minute, you t'ink… I'M NOT GAY!!

ROGUE: You sure?

GAMBIT: YES!

ROGUE: Phew… 

WOLVERINE:C'mon, let's get back to the professor… (walks away)

ROGUE: All right. (eyes GAMBIT suspiciously as he walks behind her) 

NIGHTCRAWLER:Hey, what about us?!

GAMBIT: You can take care of yourself.Why don' you just teleport?

NIGHTCRAWLER: Oh yeah…

JAKE: YOU CAN TELEPORT?!?!WHY YOU LITTLE…

The others run away to avoid the infamous "wrath of Jake".They meet back up with the team, who has just been joined by a sheepish NIGHTCRAWLER and a very pissed off JAKE, who is muttering under his breath.

PROF X:I've just called a meeting to discuss the way we are going to rescue LILANDRA…

NIGHTCRAWLER: Not again!

GAMBIT: I hear ya.

The professor herds them into a room with a long table surrounded by chairs.Everyone sits down, then starts to scream when handcuffs snap over their wrists.

EVERYONE: NOOOO!!!Not another SEMINAR!!!

PROF X: Yes, yet another of my glorious seminars.

_4 hours later_

PROF X has been talking the whole time.NIGHTCRAWLER has been trying to teleport and ICEMAN is sobbing.ROGUE, GAMBIT, and WOLVERINE look like they're going to die and JAKE is still grumbling.The others are either asleep or look like they're about to go crazy.

GAMBIT: Ahhh! Screw dis.

He throws a charged card at his handcuffs, then at the wall.It explodes and to everyone's pleasure the rubble falls on CYCLOPS.GAMBIT goes over and frees ROGUE and his teammates.They walk over to the buried CYCLOPS.

CYCLOPS: Ow.That was stupid.(Turns to GAMBIT) Idiot.

GAMBIT nearly throws a card at him.

JEAN:WAIT!Scott, your lisp is gone!

CYCLOPS: What?Oh my God, the lisp is gone.This is weally cool.

JEAN:Uh, honey…

CYCLOPS: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!Noooooooooooooooooo!

WOLVERINE: Ha.

PROF X:What happened?

JEAN: His lisp is gone, but now he has another one.

PROF X: Really, what does it sound like?

WOLVERINE:Hey CYCLOPS, say Rover raced around the room running from the red rooster.

CYCLOPS: (glaring) I hate you.

PROF X: What?Say it CYCLOPS.

CYCLOPS:Oh do I have to? (sighs and turns red) Wover waced awound the woom wunning fwom the wed Wooster.

The whole room bursts into laughter and CYCLOPS goes into a corner to cry.

WOLVERINE: Wuss.

_ _

Suddenly a guy with longish-shortish black hair and blue eyes runs past the X-Men screaming as a girl with long brown hair chases after him.He is wearing tight leather pants with a white and very wet tight tank top and the girl is carrying a fire hose.

_ _

GIRL: I'm sorry Ian!Come back!

_She stops to laugh at CYCLOPS, who is still in the corner, then continues her pursuit.The X-Men stare at them as they run past.Then another person_ appears running after the first two.

Ender (the Author): Don't ask.Ignore them please!

The author runs away, leaving the X-Men to try to figure out what the hell just happened.

GAMBIT: Right.

PROF X:All right, let's go get LILANDRA.

WOLVERINE: First thing's first.

He locks CABLE, ICEMAN, and PROF X in one of the prison cells.

PROF X:Hey!Why am I in here?

WOLVERINE: One word.Seminar.

The X-Men board the ship and prepare to leave.In the background they can here ICEMAN crying.

ICEMAN:But I have to go to the bathroom!

They ignore him.

JEAN: Where's CYCLOPS?

WOLVERINE: No.

JEAN: Yes.

WOLVERINE: NO!

JEAN:(uses powers) YES!

GAMBIT: Fine.

He drags the passed out CYCLOPS onto the ship.They blast off and steer the Blackbird towards EVIL BOB'S ultra-secret hideout, Planet Bob.CYCLOPS starts to regain consciousness.

CYCLOPS: Ow.That'th how many timeth.

JEAN: What?

CYCLOPS: I mean fiwtht I wath hit by the thovel, then I wath wweaked by the othew thovel and know thith.

ROGUE: I didn't get a word of that.

GAMBIT: Neither did I.

WOLVERINE: (cracking up) Somebody get him a pad of paper.

JEAN:Why not. (gives pad of paper and pencil to CYCLOPS)

CYCLOPS writes down the sentence.

WOLVERINE: Can anybody read the idiot's writing?

GAMBIT: Nope.

JAKE: Uh-uh.

JEAN: How about the computer?

They sit CYCLOPS in front of the computer.He takes a minute to find each letter key.

JEAN: This is hopeless.Just shut up, honey.

CYCLOPS sits in the corner as the Blackbird lands on Planet Bob.As the X-Men step on the planet, they can see LILANDRA standing with two armed guards around her.

CYCLOPS:I pwomptly owdew you to theath and dethitht.

GUARDS: Huh?

X-MEN: SHUT UP!

JEAN:LILANDRA, PROF X want you to come home.

LILANDRA:You must fight BOB first, or he won't let me go.

ROGUE: You mean he's here?Where? 

Everyone starts to look around.All of a sudden, there is a scream and a SQUISH.

GAMBIT: Oops. (looks at bottom of his boot)

GUARDS: NOOO! Our glorious leader!

GAMBIT: Heh, heh.Sorry.(scrapes shoe off on a rock)

LILANDRA: Fine then, I'll come back with you.

GAMBIT: (to the GUARDS) Sorry 'bout dat.

The X-Men board the Blackbird and head back to the space station.

ROGUE: So why'd you do it?

LILANDRA: It's that damn hover "massage" chair of his.He love it more than me.

JEAN:I can see that.We'll blow it up again for you, as long as you stay home on Earth.

LILANDRA: Okay.

As they enter the space station they see the girl with the hose and the guy, IAN, who is still really wet.They walk off arm in arm.

GAMBIT: Now dis is getting' weird.

The X-Men let the professor, ICEMAN, and CABLE out of the cell and fly back home.CYCLOPS tries to land the plane, but it crashes and blows up.

WOLVERINE: You dick!

The X-Men hit CYCLOPS with all of their powers.Three days later he wakes up .

CYCLOPS: Adusyfskj sfkjs dsfhsdklh hdjhjh dhjh hjd euyi djvn.

PROF X: I think this lisp thing is getting a little out of hand.Anyone opposed to putting him in a mental hospital. (looks around) Okay, let's go.

CYCLOPS lived the rest of his life in his favorite room with white padded walls in the Shady Acres mental institution.

The End


End file.
